Dear Williamson County,
I have just received my jury summons dated February 27 and I am sorry to inform you that I will be unable to report to the county courthouse Monday morning at 8:30 AM. I do know how to get to the courthouse because I paid a speeding ticket there in 2000. It was my first and only ticket. By the way, did you know I haven’t driven in five months? Really need to get out there and master the whole left side thing. Anyway, although my job does provide time off for jury duty, I believe the transportation costs would be prohibitive. Do you do any kind of reimbursement? I’d need around $2500 probably, plus food and lodging.
I have to ask you, justice system, why now? This is my first summons, after 20 years of responsible adulthood. All those years I wandered aimlessly looking for ways to apply my keen listening skills, capacity for compassion, and fairly logical mind to serve the better good. Recent tests have shown that I’m moving more toward a J in my Myers Briggs designation, so yeah, you’re really missing out. (Can one wander with aim? Perhaps you can poll the jury pool and get back to me.)
I tried to call today but the office is closed for Good Friday. I’ll try again Monday, but please please please don’t revoke my citizenship! Or be mad.